Living Out Loud

Posted on September 27, 2011


I find myself becoming a little bit more of who I am, than what I currently show.  I’m allowing more of my true essence to present itself.

I guess I’m not afraid anymore!  I’m not afraid to show you who I am.  And I’m not concerned about what you may think of me.

I love who I’m becoming.  I’m more engaged to life, and I’m excited about my future.

It’s taken me a lot of years to get to where I am today.  It’s been a journey that I’d live again if it got me back to this place again.  The me that is becoming wants people to know who she is and what she is about, and I know that through open dialogue I’ll continue to expose more of her.  It’s time for me to let down my guard and start expressing my true self.  And I’m really interested in getting to know more of me and what I’m capable doing.

For me, it’s time to start living out loud.

So where do I begin?

I guess for me it starts with the question – how is it that we stop living life and start existing in it?  How much of ourselves do we repress in order to “fit in” and “conform” to standards set by someone other than ourselves?  And why on earth do we stay there?

I know I settled in to a person that wasn’t a true reflection of who I am and what I’m about.  I kept a lot of me hidden inside in order to be like everybody else, and its taken me a long time to see that.  The me that I’m leaving behind would never put herself “out there” in any way that would bring attention to her.  I’m not looking for attention now, but I am looking for all of me, and writing about my life experiences is how I think I’ll find her.  Glorious her – that vibrantly alive me that keeps showing me bigger parts of myself.  I’ve come to understand that if I can visualize her, she exists!  She is there waiting patiently for me to step into her form.

I’ve got a voice and it needs to be heard.

Over the past few years I’ve been writing “the novel”!  I do believe what I’ve written so far is good, really good.  I know there’s potential there.  But, I’m not consistent with the writing.  I have yet to allow the content to continuously flow.  I have yet to allow it to be.  I’ve also recognized that there is still some shitty negative self-talk lingering within that includes words like “I’m not sure I can”, “what if it’s not good”, “it’s hard to find the time”.  Crap, all of it!

That’s why I’m writing this.  This is my in the meantime and my means of keeping me accountable for writing for both the blog and the novel.  I’m practicing an art form that interests me, but I’m giving myself the freedom to explore both the writing and myself at the same time.

A Little Background

I haven’t always been aware of the fact that I wanted to express through writing.  I’m not one of those people who figured out their form of expression early on.  I’ve had to go through much to get here.  It hasn’t all been a pleasure trip, but today I can be grateful for it all.  I can look at where I’ve come from and smile for having been there.

I had a conversation with a life choices consultant about seven years ago, and she was the person that suggested that I needed to allow myself to write.  She went on to suggest that I start small by writing out my thoughts on a daily basis.

Now in starting to get to know me – or the me that I was, I have to say, I didn’t do that.  Not consistently, and for long stretches of time, not at all.  I guess all I can say in my defense was I didn’t understand, and I wasn’t ready!

If you’ve read any self-help book of any kind (I’ve read many), they all indicate that you need to take action.  Apparently it doesn’t all just kinda fall into your lap when you least expect it just because you think you want it. You have to show yourself that you are serious.  You need to show that whatever you are trying to accomplish is important to you and worth the effort.  Then, and only then can the universe provide.  I’ve known that for a long time, but I let the shitty stuff continue to keep me from taking the required baby steps to set it all in motion.

I know I’ve kept the universe guessing for a very long time.  If that all knowing being that we call by many different names, were living a human existence, he or she would be rolling their eyes and rubbing their temple in dismay.  There would probably be words like how the “blip ” am I suppose to help this one!!  So the help never arrived, cause I wasn’t really asking for it.  Yes, I did the begging and pleading, but I didn’t take action.  Perhaps I wanted it all done for me?  Perhaps I was waiting for someone or something to intercede and say “this is what I’m gonna do for you”.  SHIT!!

Anyhow, I get it now.  You need to focus, take action (on a daily basis) and move in that direction.  Whatever that direction is.  So that’s exactly what I’m in the process of doing.

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