Drama

Posted on November 16, 2011

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I can create unnecessary drama in my life!  And I had to ask myself – what kinda shit is that?

I started to realize that I loved it!  That for some incredibly stupid reason, I could let that absorb me.  I could get so caught up in it, that I didn’t know how to get away from it.

Relationships – particularly with men, used to be a huge source of drama for me – really crappy drama.

I’d fixate, and from there I would slowly let it become all of me for a minute.

Like I said – what kinda shit is that!

I seemed to particularly enjoy getting my feelings hurt.  You know, girl done wrong, girl gets revenge!  Or, what did I do wrong?  Or, he didn’t like me because.  Or, there’s someone else.  Jesus, such horrible stuff really, but very satisfying in a very sad way.

Thankfully, I now know that about me.  And that’s a good thing.

It actually makes me laugh to admit that, but I laugh out of relief.  I laugh because I know that about me.  In knowing, I can change that.  I’ve chosen to change that.

I now realize what a complete waste of time that is.  It’s bullshit of the highest order.  It’s excuse number 457 for not doing that which I know I must.  The things that I need to do for me, and only me.  My personal desire to strive.

I can take what I’m realizing and use it in a positive way.  I can put it where it belongs which is on paper as a story, or a poem, or a statement.  Nothing more.

EGO – little word, with huge ramifications!

It’s the little thing that can make me become so untrue to myself.  It can lead, and I would readily follow.  It helped me forget who I really am.  It allowed me not to dwell there.  And if that isn’t the saddest thing, I don’t know what is.  Our EGO is the reason we take everything so damn personally.

When the EGO gets in the way, we forget that everyone around us is having their very own personal life experience and they themselves are creating all the drama or beauty in their lives.  All of us.  So how can we take it personally?

I’ve asked myself – why am I just learning this now?  Why has it taken so long for me to “get it”.  And my answer today would be, that I’ve always known that, I’ve just chosen not to acknowledge it, cause it didn’t fit my needs.  I guess I needed a lot of it in order to realize that I don’t need it at all!!

SHIT!  That crap just makes me smaller!

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