Chasing Circles

Posted on April 1, 2012

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It’s been awhile!  Apparently I needed to go back and re-visit some of my old shit!

As it turns out, I’m really glad I did because I’ve had an epiphany.  I was lying in bed the other night and out of the blue I came to an understanding.  I filled in a blank.

Turns out I’ve spent the last four months worrying money away – I think it’s actually been longer than that, but recently, I’ve been acutely aware of my financial situation.  I’ve been telling myself, and anybody who would listen, that I need a real job while actually placing myself in a position to actually need a real full time job!  What kind of shit is that!

Thankfully I came to understand that and what the actual implications were.  The universe, in all its infinite wisdom has been graciously providing me with exactly what I’ve been asking for – in this case, circumstances that would require me to go back to the old 9 to 5 gig.  Something I’ve been adamantly opposed to for a very long time.

When I quit working seven years ago, I told myself I would never do the corporate thing again.  I had no idea what would come next, but I knew with absolute certainty that there was a lot more I was meant to do – I still know that.  But, somewhere along the way, I started to have doubts and lost focus.  I can’t pinpoint when or why that happened, but it obviously did because here I am 7 years later actually considering the very thing I said I no longer wanted to do.

I’ve spent some time updating my resume and looking at job postings, knowing full well that it was wrong.  My heart was not in it at all, and I was trying to take a really stoic approach to convince myself that this was, as it needed to be.  What I didn’t understand was why.  But now, I see it so clearly.  I see how I created it all.

Imagine, using scarcity to get what I want, which really isn’t what I want at all.  All the while being so incredibly untrue to myself! Jesus, I was letting some of me slip away.  I was freely spending money while trying to convince myself that things would change, failing to realize that in spending I was also helping myself get to a really negative space, losing confidence along the way.  And of course that loss of confidence created the need to spend more to try to regain what I had already lost.  And all of that was confirming what I thought I needed to do – get a real job!  Talk about chasing circles!!

Think about it, if you keep telling yourself that you are headed to the poor house, but you continue to do things like buy lottery tickets, what do you think the outcome will be?  You can’t win the lottery if you want to be poor!  It’s doesn’t work that way.  You either want one or the other – everything in between is a contradiction.  And it’s the dominant thought that wins all the time.

I could call it a moment’s madness, but I know it was a blessing in disguise.  And I am so thankful for it because it allowed me to see what I’ve been DOING – the ACTION I’ve been taking.  I’m also thankful because through it all, it’s allowed me to see that “IT” works.  That what we ask for, we receive.  There is absolute beauty in that knowing.

They say, “be careful what you wish for” – what an understatement!

Now I can see that I needed to get to that place in order to find a little more of me, and giving thanks really doesn’t do justice to how incredibly wonderful I feel for having had this experience.  I laughed once I understood it all.  No shit!  A very valuable lesson indeed!

So, I start again, I no longer feel compelled to look for work because I KNOW I don’t need to.  I KNOW that going to an office and working for someone else is neither right for me, nor required.  I’m taking responsibility for me, and my new job is being created through words.  How it will all manifest, I don’t yet know, but I do know that it feels right.  I do know that I’ve chosen a path that represents more of me.

What a load off!  I can’t begin to tell you how cleansing this feels.  What I had been doing was really time consuming!  I’ve completely erased the notion of scarcity (when it comes to money) from my thinking.  It’s no longer required, so I’ve let it go.  That pile has been cleaned out!

I’ve given thanks to the universe a number of times over the last few days, and I’ve also given thanks to all my sympathetic supporters who helped me make my “story” more real.  I mean that sincerely – I guess I had to move in a different direction for a while in order to see things more clearly.

So, moving forward.  It’s time to find more of me, and I’m choosing to do that through positive action and words.  I’m paying very close attention to what I say and do so that I create that which I truly desire.  Food banks, living on other people’s couches and entertaining thoughts of running away from it all (yes, I briefly went there), its bullshit of the highest order!

I don’t yet know how you find all the bullshit your carrying around, but I do know that attitude plays a major role.

That said I’m once again picking up my pen, and letting the words find me.  There’s a lot more space now to be open and receptive to opportunities as they present themselves.  That’s what I now expect, and know I will receive.

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