It’s About Fucking Time”!

Posted on December 2, 2012

2


It’s about Fucking Time!!

I’m finally “waking up”!  I went to sleep for a long while, thinking I could always reside there, but now realizing that I don’t wanna do that anymore!  Jesus, I’ve played some silly games with myself lately – LOL!!  What a stimulating environment that was!  I gave myself permission to experiment with every emotion out there.  Happy, sad, good, bad, envy, jealousy, anger (much anger), loving, unloving, unworthy, beautiful, sexy, right, wrong, and everything that falls in-between!  But really all it was – Fear!  All stemming from fear – at least that’s how I feel about it for me.

All that time, not seeing what’s been sitting right in front of me, while frantically looking for it elsewhere!  WOW, WOW!  That’s fucking HUGE for me!

I’m starting to write again because it’s the thing that will help me keep myself occupied enough to let everything else take care of itself.  Do you get that??

I really needed to remind myself about that!

A Blessing!  Being right where you are so that you can find/see more of your Self!  Why I kept going back?  I now understand that it was as long as it needed to be – nothing more, nothing less.  I was there until I could see it clearly enough so that I could finally let it go.  Just let it go.  Thank you and good-bye!

It’s time for me to commit to myself.  I gotta start with me.  I’ve got some really wonderful, supportive friends, and I’m saying with all the love in me – You’re Fired!!  I’m ready to be the only person I need to go to for self-validation, so that I can learn not to judge myself.  To Just Be Me – to hell with what others thinks – good, bad and everything above, below and in between.  We’re all having individual experiences of exactly the same concepts and emotions, regardless of where we came from and what we’ve “been” – all those labels we’ve placed on ourselves.

It has to be that way so that I never allow them to disappoint me, no matter what they do or say.  I love them all way too much for that – you know what I mean?

So it’s time for me to take an approach I Believe In, and see where it leads – no attachments to it.  All part of learning to just let it be, because my “rational mind” – a.k.a. the Ego, is limited.  It’s can’t imagine beyond what it’s experienced, so it’s not able to take me to a place I never thought to go – where is that??

I’m so happy I started to get restless!  Tired of doing everything the same, and always ending up with the same outcome!  Hopped right back on the Ferris wheel!  Rides over!

I’ve got notes everywhere – either being added to, or just gathering dust.  My paper piles take up more that half of my dining room table – lol!!  I know what’s in each pile, but the piles are getting outta hand so it’s time to start organizing everything and expressing something every day.  Maybe, maybe not on-line, I’m not going to start saying things to myself about that – been there, done that!  But I’m going to continue to collect and express those random thoughts that have made me who I am today!  I LOVE HER!

That’s something else I had to remember about me.  That I LOVE me regardless!  Doesn’t matter what I thought/think about myself or the places I chose to take me.  Somehow it was all done with LOVE.  Cause that’s how you get there.  That head space where you’ve left all your “shit” behind.  I’ve been pretty full lately!  Lots of layers that needed to be unraveled.  And I can feel that shift taking place.  I’m making room for what still to take place, and learning to see it with “open eyes”!  And I know it’s WAY easier to move through whatever it is without adding any more piles.

I’ve been a spectacularly wonderful mess!  Epic almost, and certainly worthy of an Oscar!  LMAO!!  I AM a Star!  Best Actress – in every category!  And I’m really looking forward to telling you some of my stories – I’ve personally written about a million of them, all of them reflecting who I was in any given moment.  Beautiful Me!  I’m feeling very free just saying those words, and I really like this new space.

Right now I’m feeling really chatty, so it’s time to collect my thoughts.  There is just SO much I want to say.  But I want it to be written in a way that opens up dialogue – other people’s experiences need to be included.  Because any one of us might say something that moves someone else in a way that might start waking them up.  We all do it anyway, whether we are aware of it or not.  That includes any good, bad, right, wrong, happy, sad and everything else in between that we have in every encounter we have.  Someone attaches some kind of meaning to it.  “Oh, what a nice lady”, “What a Bitch”, “She’s pretty”, “She’s ugly”, “She’s way too fat or to thin”, “She’s got great hair”, “That was fucked up – add your own words here”, “Damn he’s Sexy”, followed by “I’m to old for that” – whatever that means for you!  “I’m too young for that” – doesn’t anybody say that after the age of about three – Lol!!

Anyway, so many words trying to get out, and all leading me on a new adventure.  I’m really looking forward to this.  And nobody actually needs to respond to keep me expressing.  All of this, I do lovingly for me.

Too funny, just did a spelling and grammar check and apparently there are lots of fragmented sentences – feel free to fixate on that if it does something for you – Lol!  I’ve been there too!

Well, I close this first step by clearly saying, “who knew I’d be blessing a pile of shit”!!

Advertisements
Posted in: Uncategorized