The Foggy Princess

Posted on February 1, 2013

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It was really foggy in downtown Toronto earlier this week, and when I looked out my window, I started thinking about how uncomfortable it can be when you can’t see things you are so use to seeing!  I could hear planes, but I wasn’t sure if they were taking off or landing, and I couldn’t clearly see Lake Ontario – part of my beautiful view.  The fog was quite heavy and very close to the ground and I found that a little unsettling.  It’s not the first time I’ve looked across the street through fog, but this time it raised a little fear, and it made me wonder why.

I started thinking about what it would be like to be the pilot taking off or landing in thick fog – knowing there are condos and office towers very close by!  Then I started thinking about the passengers looking out their window and not being able to see anything – have you read Stephen King’s novel – The Langoliers?  And I wonder why I get scared, Lol!

Anyways, it turns out, there was a message for ME in that fog!

I’ve been sitting still for a while, unwilling to move, trying to let life lead me.  I’ve been telling myself to pay close attention and watch for signs so that I’ll know which direction or path to take.  But in paying attention to everything around me, I stopped listening to my own thoughts and what they were actually saying.

I was aware that one of the reasons for standing still stemmed from a knowing that I might make a decision based from a lack and scarcity perspective. So I decided not to make any decisions and just have “faith” that all would work out somehow.

But thanks to the fog – a very subtle sign, I started to see things more clearly!

I realized that I’ve still been trying to direct this play, but in a quieter, more subtle way.  I’ve been staring at the finish line without entering the race.  I eliminated everything in between the start and finish, because I couldn’t see what that journey might entail, all the while knowing how I didn’t want it to look.  And more importantly, I couldn’t see who I might be when I got “there”, and that thought helped me understand that I’ve been afraid of losing me!

I couldn’t see how getting a 9 – 5 would be in my best interest because it would take away my freedom and I’d stop paying attention to the things I really want to do.  I actually convinced myself that having a day job might kill my dreams.  Especially if said job is something that I was not passionate about.  It felt like I’d be taking a step backwards, not forward and I couldn’t see any new possibilities in that.

I remember her – that girl who worked long hours and weekends.  She used to think having a life and living were one and the same.  She had “stuff” and thought that’s who she was.  She liked titles and offices and getting ahead.  But I said goodbye to her years ago and took a journey to find something new.  So it’s no wonder I held firm in not welcoming her back in.

Funny thing it is in knowing you’ve changed, but then you turn around and forget who you’ve already become.  In trying to hold on to who I think I currently am I’ve been telling myself she might slip away!  And in being unwilling to allow for change, I could never considered that in letting her go, I might expand even further and continue to grow.

I really put myself through the emotional ringer on this one.  There was a whole lot of crap that needed to be dumped, and it took standing still to find it.  And in seeing that for what it was, then letting it go, I felt a shift take place, I opened a little further, and created more space.

And my soul started breathing in rhythm with me.

Here I am at a new beginning, facing a future I still can’t see.  It’s scary, but I finally understand that regardless of where life leads me, I will still be me.  And I will always be free!  The she that I was no longer exists, but the she I’m becoming is still being written.

Who knew that in fog there would be something to see, so that I’d no longer keep clinging to who I thought I should be!  To the Angels assigned to watch over me, I pray you be given overtime pay!  To whoever it was that knew fog could totally change one’s perspective, a corner office has been earned – a new place to play, for creating the fog that helped me find my way!

And thank goodness that fog doesn’t last very long, because this foggy Princess is becoming a Queen.

Much Love

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