i Forgive You!

Posted on March 29, 2013

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For the month of March, Bloggers For Peace asked that we write about forgiveness.

I’ve sat with this for quite some time trying to think of where my focus should be.  Who do I feel I need to forgive, and for what reason.

I’ve gone back and forth on this all month, and thus the last minute posting, but I finally found what I was looking for, and the words just started flowing.

Grief, Sorrow, Pain, Loathing – they’re all understatements!

Words hurt, they cut deep, they cause tears, and sometimes they render one speechless.

Actions, they sometimes speak louder than words.  They too cut, cause tears, and render one speechless.

You’ve always been both friend and foe.

I’ve learned much from you – some things I’ve held onto, while others I’ve let go.

You’ve picked me up and knocked me down and yet here we are, still standing, still whole.

I’ve truly despised you at times, but I could never turn you away.  You were an addiction, a drug that I found myself wanting and needing, continuously searching for.

You acted as my validation, my security blanket, my comfort, my friend.

I always believed what you said to be true, and gave you my power, then let you run free.

I always heard what you were saying, but I never really listened.  I didn’t need to, you were always right, and there wasn’t a need to second-guess you.

I watched you in action, but I never really saw.  I didn’t need to, you were always right, and there wasn’t a need to second-guess you.

So many years spent trying to please you, but never really managing to get it right.

My look, my walk, my talk – all controlled by you.  And oh, what I ride it was.

Now I’d be remiss if I didn’t give kudos where kudos were due, YOU, were good.  You were very, very good.  And you had me convinced for a very long time.

But I’ve changed.  And in changing, I’ve realized that some things must end for new things to begin.  So I say to you, with much love in my heart – I forgive you.

I forgive you Sandy, for being who you thought you were.  I forgive you for all the hurtful words and actions you used to keep yourself small.  I forgive you for flowing with the crowd regardless of how it made you feel.  I forgive you for justifications and stories that kept the scene flowing.  I forgive you for searching for validations that you then called truth.  I forgive you for believing that you weren’t really worthy.  I forgive you for giving up without even trying – because someone said you couldn’t!  I forgive you for your wants and needs that only lead to heartache and pain over things you didn’t really want and absolutely didn’t need!  I forgive your blindness and lack of hearing.  I forgive you for giving your power away.  I forgive you for allowing yourself to be used.

As I sit here and forgive myself, I’m reminded of all the actors that were part of my life theatre.  The people I let in to keep the story real, expressing the words and actions that I wanted to see and hear.

They HELPED me feel small, used, angry, sad, superior, ugly, fat, fabulous, beautiful, lonely, poor, and unworthy.  And I reacted to the injustice, the stupidity, the joy and the pain.  A masterpiece really, my wondrous play!

They HELPED me validate ME!

And in seeing this through, facing me, facing you, I realize that I’ve actually no need to forgive any one of them.  Instead, I can say through tears of both sadness and joy – with recognition that they are one and the same, Thank You, for agreeing to be part of my life story.  It’s not always been happy, but I wrote it that way, so that I could come to this moment and re-write this play.

To Bloggers For Peace, with much love in my heart, Thank You for helping me look more deeply into me.  I suppose I’ve wanted to forgive me, but I wasn’t so willing to see all of what needed to be seen.

Leaving Shit Behind – Opening Space in me.  I grow bigger and stronger in each moment in time.  There is so much peace in that knowing, I can see my shine.

Much Love

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